have you ever thought, you are not loved and are alone?have you ever felt so empty inside,like no one cares about you?nobody gives a shit about what you are doing, what you feel?i do...sometimes, even when i am surrounded with a bunch of friends who love to laugh and always jesting and pulling your legs...it's true, in life there's ups and downs...sometimes, when i feel down and needed somebody the most, i don't know what to do..i don't know whose shoulder to cry on...the most i could do is to cry alone...sometimes, you cannot trust people around you...it's true that familiarity breeds contempt...no further explanation on that. think again..do you really think you are alone??
you could still lean on some people whom you could trust...your family...i am blessed with six wonderful and loving people in my home...two wonderful baby sisters and one big brother...they are very close to me...i am very close to my mom...she's been a shoulder to lean on, either to cry on or to lean on especially when it comes to financial problems...my father is quite a distance, i always feel that he does not like me...even though he does not show it, i am very scared of him...it's not that i don't love him, i respect him to an extent that i am so scared to implicitly show my true feelings of love for him...i do love him so much...as far i could remember, i was in year 4 and he bought me a gift...i still could remember the line"pa,blanje nurul jam boleh?" immediately after that,he asked me to get prepared and we went to Terminal One Shopping Complex to go to City Chain...i got my first expensive watch...it was Adidas chronograph..it was specifically designed for tennis players actually and i don't really know why i had picked that watch..now, to think of all the things he had done in my life, i actually manage to convince myself that papa actually loves me...mama is a great one to share everything, inside and out..but papa, he provides all the security you ever dream of...not only physically, but it covers everything...when i need money, i text him..when i need to go home on weekends,i called him...when i need someone to buy me lunch,coke, chocolates and even pads, i ring him...i know, most people would not ask their dads to buy them pads..but, papa does it anyway...i could still remember one incident when i was just a toddler, we were at a beach..i was playing in the water...i was facing the shore and suddenly a big wave hit me...i drowned....as a child, i didn't know about the danger of drowning, but not to papa...i saw him running as fast as he could and quickly pulled me out of the water...when i think about it now, he wouldn't have done what he did back then if he doesn't love me....so folks, even if your dad, abah, ayah or abi behave strictly and firm, you need to know that in their hearts, you are still their babies...their flesh and blood..they might not show their love like your moms do, but i believe, dads have their ego...so don't easily be deceived okay?
mama, i've been very close to mama ever since i was a little girl..since i was quite scared of papa, i share everything with mama...when i told her i had my first period, she was so excited she went to tell every body about it...of course i was embarrased by it, but she felt liberated..she now has a matured daughter...it was a kind of family rite of passage...funny when i think about it again and again....mama is my financial support...she provides me with some kind of insurance policy....you can ask for anything from her...even when she has not much money, she will do her best to buy you what you want...our family loves shopping...my baby sister farah loves to buy new clothes every time we go out to shopping complex, even if it is just Jusco...but we can put aside this case....every mother will do the same to their children... what i did not expect is that, she is willing to invest in me....she spared me tens of thousands for me to buy one thing i wanted the most.....a car....no one knows about it..not even papa...she whispered to me one day, "if you want to buy your dream car, i have spared you some money...when you have started working and you're financially stable, you can start to pay on your own"....a car????it's not like paying for a movie ticket or a piece of zara blouse or even a Guess handbag..it's a car!!!she's willing to pay for me even when she has to pay thousands for our new house every month...people may see it as material love, but for me, mama loves me and trust me so much that she wants to invest in me...guess what, the car even can be bought under my name!!! these are all things that we could see with our naked eyes..but mama does love me unconditionally..i could still remember,my brother iman and i went to play in her room when we were little...we had pillow fights...the room was a mess..she went up and saw us, and she screamed..mama is very famous of her meticulous way, especially when it comes to cleanliness and tidyness.. she took a belt and we were rewarded with three or four lashes each..we cried the whole night..the next day was a school day for my brother..i was still in the kindergarten...while papa was dressing up, i felt something warm rubbing all over my back, running her fingers on the red marks on our backs...i could hear sobs and i felt droplets of water running down my spine..."i'm sorry...mama xpatut pukul nurul and iman..i'm sorry"...i could hear papa trying to console her...and because i was just a little kid, i don't know what it was supposed to mean when mama apologised to us that morning...to think about it now, she couldn't stand looking at the pain we felt at the time the sting of the belt touched our soft skin...she was filled with guilt... no mother would like to see their children in pain..talking about pain, i was in a tae kwan do class when i was in year 4...my instructor loved me and loved my style..he said i was so into fighting..so he listed my name as one of the participants in a tae kwan do competition..i was in white belt at that time..i was involved in 35 kilo category and my opponent was so tall..she was an indian girl, very tall but skinny..mama and papa was cheering ouside the ring..when i said my opponent was a very tall girl, i mean it...my head was at the same level with her chest..as the match started, she released so many kicks into my neck..i couldn't barely kick her at her stomach,my feet couldn't reach that high...seeing me being bashed by my opponent, mama quickly consulted the referee to stop the match....i was puzzled, not only because i was too concussed being attacked in my neck, but she did not say much that time...when we arrived at home, and when i was sober i asked her,"mama, knp mama stopkn ref td?" then i heard her talking to papa that she couldn't bear seeing me in the ring, receiving kicks after kicks...i was moved by the statement...now i know, papa and mama really love me all these while...so folks, grab your phone...start calling your parents...tell them how much you love them...and don't be embarrased to say out loud 'i love you' to your parents...:)
