"that thing scared the shit out of me..."

i woke up startled..

and stared at the dark ceiling.. wondering why i was awake..

i tried to go back to sleep.. my eyes could not shut tight..

i did not have the guts to shake my cousin who was sound asleep..

again and again i tried to go back to sleep..

i began to feel uneasy..

heard sounds of dogs howling outside the house..

scary thoughts crept into my mind..

then i heard something..

was it the sound of someone breathing??

it was so dim at first, i tried to ignore it..

still..i could not stop my ears from hearing things which

i was not so keen to listen..

it kept getting closer..

the noise was coming from the first floor..

i was quite sure now..

it was the sound of someone, panting for air..

"hhsshh..hsssh..hisssshh.."

i could imagine someone was coming up the stairways..

step by step.." hissshh..hssshh.."

i was struck numb...

i could not think of what to do..

i stared at the door of my room..

looking at the strip of light from outside the corridor..

waiting and waiting for something, someone..

i hid under covers..

shivering and sweating..

covering both of my ears with my hands..

"this is not the night for a ghostly encounter..

no, no...not tonight..

this is not even my house!"

memories of ghost stories and horror movies

crawled into my thoughts..

"how does it look like..

long messy hair and white robes?

severed head with blood dripping from the veins?"

my younger cousin once saw a 'pontianak'

outside this house, lingered around the mango tree

aunt planted years ago..

"damn" i thought..

i shut my eyes tight..

trying to get rid of those thoughts..

yet, the sound kept giving me goosebumps..

the sound kept getting louder... closer... with every breath i took..

it was coming towards my door..

again, i looked at the strip of light..

still no sign of legs or anything..

"this is going to be it.."

i reached for my cousin,

but i could not find her..

i waited...nothing happened..

at last, i fell asleep..

next day, everybody asked me

why i looked so pale..

like i have seen a ghost..

i started to open up and tell them..

from the beginning to the part where i nearly

wet my bed, scared shitless..

they asked me "what was the sound like?"

and i imitated it "hisssh .. hsssshh.."

enthused by the adrenaline in my blood,

the story was quite impressive and believable to my audience..

suddenly my aunt spoke..

"are you sure it was coming from downstairs?"

of course i was sure..

it scared the hell out of me last night..

"try to make that sound again..."

"hissh...hsssuush..hsssshhh"

my uncle descend the stairs and joined us..

my aunt laughed whole-heartedly..

"pa, nurul was scared of your loud snoring..."

everybody in the room laughed..

i kept quiet..

besides feeling embarrassed of last night's incident,

i was relieved..

at least i have not seen any ghost, yet....

THANK GOD!!!!!:)

 

are we freaks???

some speak in front of mirrors.. some converse alone with nobody besides them.. some play with their mothers' make ups.. these can be considered as children's playtime... as for me, i used to play alone by myself.. i prefer to take roles of people.. in the layman term, ACTING...

since i was small, i love watching English dramas or films on tv with my family... i observed how the actors and actresses (especially actors:D) were so into their characters.. from a businessman to a lady with a bun in the oven... or even a man who was involved in an accident and was bedridden on a hospital bed... i love to imitate everything i watch in the tv...

in my primary school years, i used to play a role of a career man.. so what did i do?? i took the smallest shirt papa no longer uses as well as his trousers.. i took a tie.. this was the moment i asked papa on how to wear a tie, and now i'm already a pro!!

so, in the small bedroom i once lived in my gammy's house, i created a shooting set of my own... before i started acting and immersing into my character, i needed a name... Daniel, Faris, Faiz, Sam and all kinds of men's names.. name any, i probably had used them in my own 'play'.. i almost forget, the actings were done in front of a big mirror gammy put in the bedroom, so that i could look at my facial expressions...:D

i started the act when i laid on my bed and pretended as though i was sleeping, waiting for the alarm to wake me up for work.. i got up, took a bath and dressed up like i was really going to work, but all of these were pretentious... i pretended to drive a car and with my brief case i went to my office.. the rest was all cut short and i came home again to continue with my routine as a man at home...

the most favourite part i used to play was an injured man or woman... i guess because it is easy, you don't have to change in working clothes or anything.. in my pajama, i laid down, with one pillow under my left leg and another supporting my right arm... i pretended to be so much in pain and with only my imagination, i could visualise visitors coming and said condolences to me.. so we talked and i even pretended as though a nurse came to change my bandage...

i have never once played with mama's make ups... i guess this makes me who i am now.. i just put on some concealer to cover my prominent scars and flaws and then, i just apply some pressed powder.. oh, not to forget, some sheer colour lip balm.. or a very plain lipstick.. you see, i'm that simple... ocassionally, i apply some eye liner and mascara, but only when i feel like wearing them.. or when i'm wearing my contact lenses.. but not with my giant spectacles.. my eye lashes keep on touching the lenses of my specs and i'm not very comfortable with it.. you see, i know people say 'beauty is pain' but i see no point of sacrificing your comfort for the rest of your outing just to be beautiful... i stick to my principle, simple and comfortable..:D

so, after all my embarrasing confessions about how i used to spend my playtime, do you think all of these are symptoms of us being freaks?? i bet most of you have ways to indulge in your playtime.. but above all, i think when we imagine things, we work our minds.. we create unseen figures and i believe, we are being creative.. when we utilise our right brain (of course we use both of our brains.. the left one for most of the academic stuffs) for creative and imaginative things, we could sharpen our thoughts..

so folks, no matter what you do, either talking by yourself in front of mirrors, or conversing alone with unseen figures.. just ignore when people say 'you're a freak!' because i guarantee, they have had their shares of childhood playtime as well..  no harm in being different!!!:D  

it was only just a dream..

the beauty of dreams..... have you ever dreamt of something so beautiful that you never wanted to wake up? even if you are awake, have you ever felt like going back to sleep just so you could continue dreaming the same beautiful dream you just had??

it happened to me.. this very morning.. i went to sleep last night without thinking of anything else, my thoughts were free.. i have always dreamt of the last thing i had i mind just before i was asleep, but not last night.. this time, it was different..

i was at a place, very cool place with my friends.. i really thought it was Cameron or someplace like it.. the atmosphere was very calm and serene.. we were enjoying ourselves, like madly enjoying ourselves.. then something great, at least great for me, happened..

in a distance, i saw a familiar face.. came walking towards me.. we talked, i didnt expect of anything like it, not in a million years.. but it happened.. one thing after another, confessions after confessions..

i was enjoying that feeling so much that it didn't feel like it was only just a dream.. then, it happened.. a precious moment which every girl would ever want in their lives.. and it happened to me.. i was like an English movie i once watched before.. everything was so romantic... some kind of a romantic meeting, a date.. yeah yeah i know it sounds corny.. but i actually enjoyed it.. we were so happy being together, laughing together when suddenly i woke up.. damn!!

i tried going back to sleep to see how the dream would continue.. but no matter how hard i tried, no matter how many times i tried to close my eyes to dream the same beautiful dream, it did not happen again...

when i finally decided not to continue sleeping, i thought to myself.. why do dreams seemed so real that it makes us believe in it? why do we have to dream at all?


it is so tiring, thinking that the reality has nothing much the same with the dreams you ever had in your sleep.. are dreams conjured up in our sleep to deceive us so that we live a fantasy life? so much of wishing sweet dreams before we go to sleep.. maybe i prefer my nightmares better.. but i guess, i will leave it to you to decide.. meanwhile, let me just enjoy the only beautiful dream i had last night, even if it was only just a dream :)please... let me rest in pieces :)

being too shallow, am i?

the must havesssss;

1# have pleasant body odour, nice smelling perfume

2# must not use flattery words when speaking to me

3# be decently dressed from top to toe, including hair..must be simple yet presentable, and no posers! 

4# know all my siblings,we love to go on group dates! 

5# be keen to go on dates by taxi if he doesn't own a car, i wont allow myself to ride a motorcycle, papa will kill me...LITERALLY! 

6# have good sense of humour, talkative and jovial sometimes, if not always. 

7# have voice louder than 'the loud me', if not i will look and  sound disrespectful 

8# love to go to movies, especially of these genres; horror, comedy and thriller..and sometimes romantic comedy..:) 

9# love Mcd, because i do! 

10# love good sneakers, khaki shorts and jeans

11# have 'good' or 'pleasant' voice, i love to hear my man to sing for me, at least someone who is able to sing to me at night before i sleep:) 

12# know how to cook, or at least willing to cook as a 'team' alongside with me:) 

13# be a tidy, neat, and hygienic person

.

.

.

.

...# muscular body, or at least no flabby tummy please:) 

so, what do you think???am i being too shallow??

hmm, i guess judging from my looks, no questions i wont have the chance to get my dream guy... but there's no harm in being hopeful that somewhere out there, someone with at least no #1.. i'm not being fussy, not being choosy... i believe a person with these qualities will suit me best... i hope there will still be a guy, not gay i hope, straight and gentleman enough..let us hope!:)

am i whom i was before??

a 53 kilo girl, aged 23 and of good height, i was not always seen as what i am now... i was born as a second child in a family of six...above me, is my brother... he is 4years older than me... we shared everything together... he loves cars, so do i... he loves sneakers, so am i... i believe, he has a vital influence of whom i was then... i was known for my tomboy appearance, not only in public, but within my household... when i was a toddler up till my primary school years, i dressed like a girl... i wore skirts, blouses, smoking dresses and i also kept long curly hair... everything changed when i was in year 5... to think back, i believe, my mother could not influence me to behave like a girl when my only best friend at that time was my brother.. i wore the same clothes he was wearing... we also bought the same hat and sneakers.. every toy he had, i had the same thing too... we were like peas and carrot... nothing could separate the both of us.... i thought.

two more beautiful people came into my world... they are my sisters... now one aged 20 and the last is 15... these two are the ones at first i hate because they got all the attentions from both papa and mama.. so i kept a close bond with my brother iman... as the years went by, we got bigger and older and i believe, wiser!  my brother and i grew apart... we always had fights over this and that.... there was one time, i was so angry with him because he called me "babi" and i immediately kicked him in  his groin... he cried and i was scolded and lectured by mama... starting from that day onwards, we were no longer like peas and carrot... we became  total strangers to one another... no longer we share things together, we barely talk to each other anymore... then, i went to a boarding school, Tunku Kurshiah College Seremban....

 

Back then, i didn't expect i would change my tomboy appearance being in a new surrounding... i didn't think my brother's influence was so great when i went to college, but it remained the same...i kept short hair.. i wore baggy clothes.. the closest example of people you might know is Avril lavign..i worshipped her style back then...actually, until now :p my clothes ranged from adidas and nike tshirts and merchandises, and baggy pants... some of the pants were hush puppies and giordano... my sneakers... the first expensive sneakers i bought was puma...some stupid maniac stole them!!   oohhh i love skateboarding shoes!!! the second pair i had was adidas... and the number grows each year... :) since i was in an all girls school, it was quite normal to see a lot of tomboy characters there... this strengthen my stand not to change whom i was back then... the girls there adored they way i presented myself, especially the seniors and the juniors... looking back at pictures when i was in college, i flushed darkly...how on earth could i dressed the way i did back then?i was embarrasing...  one day, one of the closest friends of mine (seniors actually) asked me to wear her dinner stillettos... with hesitations, i tried them on... they gasped... despite my tomboy look, i could actually look good in heels... they suggested that i change the way i dress up, but i did not heed that suggestion...and it went on the way it did until i graduated college....  but of course i wore baju kurung and wore some light make ups on my graduation night... oh, and yes....HEELS... believe it or not, i had my first pair of heels at the age of 17, and it was only worn once... for that particular occasion only...

when i was in college, my sister, farah, also went to a boarding school in cyberjaya, SSP... who would have thought, from hate, we grew fond of one another after being apart... we developed sisterhood, and this includes my baby sister naddia too.. so every day, i would call her jsut to listen to her voice... when farah had her first handphone, i always texted her to find out about her life in school... when we came home for semester breaks, we went shopping together... to tell you the truth, i was jealous of farah because she is damn beautiful.. if i were compared to her, nobody would go for me... back then, i didn't know how to dress up... forget about make ups... all my clothes were not suitable for a girl's image... when we went for shopping, i always envy her good taste of choosing which dress and blouse to buy... after several times of going shopping together as sisters, i developed a new image for the 'new' me... she always asks my opinion when buying clothes for either one of us three... one day, it occured to me.... "why can't i be more like her??" so, i tried asking for her opinions instead when choosing clothes for myself.... my father was quite happy when i showed him my new girl clothes... finally, he thought to himself, "I got my daughter back..."

 

i grew fond of women's apparel... we went to Zara, Topshop, Forever 21, Blook and all kinds of stores for women's apparel... farah loves to wear platforms and flats... i copied her style.... i know... i know... all of us should have our own distinct style... but, it was somekind of a practice... i need to develop my sense of taste by looking at the things worn by my sisters... luckily, she is not the kind of person who cares about anything...she couldn't be bothered if i had the same shoes as hers... actually, she was proud that i finally want to be a lady... credits to you farah!:)

i got this Zara hoodie bought by mama... she always shows her support in me becoming a lady:)

now,everytime we go for shopping, we would go for the same identical things.. that's just the way it is.. we have developed the same taste as well.. all the three of us... so, raya last year, the three of us looked as though we were triplets...every body was so confused.. some called me farah... farah was thought naddia and vise versa... we were amused by that... previously, there was nothing common between the three of us...now, we are like one... strangers called us triplets... there is no one instance people regard us as friends.. we look alike....and i love that...  because we are after all, sisters...:)






Farah, Nurul, Naddia...sisters now and forever:)



don't be too overwhelmed when i say i have finally transformed into a lady...  if one tries to ransack my things, they would find i still have some possessions usually related to men... i still cannot runaway from favouring men's watches and perfumes...ohh, i forgot i have one hobby usually men love to have...i love to play the acoustic guitar.... :) i have one fossil leather strap watch, one guy laroche, one pierre cardin and an irony swatch...

my first fossil..a sentimental one:)

i love Sean John, Calvin Klein and Boss men's perfumes... but i only managed to buy me Unforgivable Women by Sean John....dat is just because papa had his Unforgivable Men... but don't misinterpret me...it is normal to have the opposite attract... i was attracted to men's fragrance...i love men who smell good and nice... and sometimes i love the smell to be around me... and don't think i'm not straight because my mother also loves papa's perfumes...and she wears them often... papa has a great taste on perfumes and watches... maybe, i was influenced by him... i love the smell of him after he had his shower because he would wear his perfumes, even when he's in the house, not going some place else... he is one man who really cares about his appearance and i adore that very much... talking about watches, i do feel that my hands suit only men's watches... maybe because both of them are hairy like men...i don't know...i cant explain this...:)

now, i love walking confidently in heels, flats and platforms... since i have the height, people say i look extremely tall in heels... it makes me feel like a model... now, i have a new preference... i love to watch victoria secret fashion show...gowsh, to see those ladies in sexy bikinis and tops, it makes me drooled over their luscious bodies...i want to have a flat abs...i need those long legs... i desire those flawless skin.... even though it would be absurd to dream of being a model, i love to see myself in bikini one day... my cousin gave me a pair of VS bikini bottom and some stupid culprit stole it from my clothelines....it was VS Pink!!!nevermind, at least i have had my shots of wearing one VS bikini...probably after i'm married and i only show it to my hubby...who knows...hahahahha...

so, can you see the obvious difference???back then i was nearly becoming a penkid.... now, i love my new me... i believe i have had my metamorphosis....i dare not say i am a butterfly now because butterflies are beautiful... but, i was once an ugly duckling.... i believe, one day to the eyes of some beholders, i might be seen as a swan...heheheh..i do hope so...:) so ugly ducklings out there, don't stop believing.... who knows, you might be a swan someday :)